How to care for yourself
I often heard and read that if I want to connect with people, I must start with myself. I ignored that idea for a long time, thinking that I didn’t deserve to be cared about. My addictions were proof.
Changing my attitude towards myself is a long process, but the effect is noticeable. I’d like to present you with an abstract overview of how to care more and why it is a good choice.
JBP rule 2
“Treat yourself like you are someone you are responsible for helping.”
According to Jordan Peterson, statistically, people are more conscientious in realizing doctor’s orders when they’re about their pets than themselves.
Why is it hard?
If you have a problem with caring about yourself, as I do, you probably think of yourself in terms of what’s wrong and omitting what’s right.
Maybe because you’re a perfectionist, maybe because you didn’t know people who accepted themselves when you were a child.
One way or another, it’s common for people to focus on their flaws, and we have many.
We can be aggressive, vengeful, and oppressive because we have a bad day. Usually, we don’t think of that, but we as humans have a capacity for doing bad things.
We lie to ourselves that we’re going to change. We lie about the reasons for not doing that.
And the worst thing is that we don’t accept that we’re flawed.
Seeing successful people on social media lets us believe that others are different and don’t have flaws.
Our world is a complex place. Our brains are even more complex to deal with this world and other brains. The dealing process is far from perfect. It’s an approximation, an educated guess of what could work. You try, you make mistakes, and you try again.
It’s perfect how imperfect we are.
Compassion
The example of pets being treated better than owners treating themselves shows that many of us are compassionate towards other beings.
Do you feel compassion for yourself?
Are you kind to yourself?
You’re a human being. What would you say if your friend had a problem and was scared of it?
Something like this:
You’re a failure, for sure you’re going to fail
or
You got this. You’re well prepared. If something doesn’t work out, you can try again
Assuming that your friend cares about the topic and is ready for trying.
Most people would go with the second line when it comes to others, and it would be fantastic if they’d choose the same line when it comes to them.
Many times I did something wrong. Many times I had to choose between compassion and hate. Whenever I choose hate, I end up worse, people around me too.
Learn from your mistakes.
To do it efficiently, you should love the process of making mistakes. Try to think that maybe it’s ok to make mistakes. Perhaps this is the crucial part of the learning process. Maybe all of them are going to lead you somewhere you want.
Allow you to forgive yourself and work in harmony towards a better you, better world to atone for your sins.
Is it selfish to care about yourself?
I’d say it’s not selfish and not altruistic. It’s just the best way to be.
You can say it’s selfish because you focus on yourself.
You can say it’s altruistic because by caring about yourself, you will treat others better.
It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it just works. The better you treat yourself, the better are your outcomes. I’m not saying about buying everything and indulging every desire. I’m talking about feeling better inside, without the need to show off, be your own witness.
Conversations where you’re being listened to, are envigorating galvanizing. You will be able to give people your full attention, and they will notice it, and you are going to feel it. Remember about this when you listen. Imagine how deeply you could bond with your interlocutor.
Caring about yourself is the only way to truly care about others. The only resources in your control are your thoughts. By acting on them, you can manipulate reality. Improving how you think and don’t think directly impacts the world around you.
When I feel optimistic and calm, I have a much higher chance of helping you. When I feel safe, I can offer you the same.
If I’m angry at the world for not being up to my expectations, how do you think I’m going to feel about you?
How to know what you should do?
We’re working marvels of nature. Our minds and bodies are doing a tremendous amount of things all the time. We’re used to that, and we rarely feel the need to introspect until everything is working.
Because of that, when something terrible happens, we don’t know how to interpret that and react. We lack practice in listening to our minds and bodies.
Our emotions can be treated as signposts informing something is happening. If we engage with them, integrate them, not fight them, we should find the reason for the feeling. How? By asking questions.
Getting into daily self-reflection is a mechanism that can keep other means in check. If you worry about something, it’s helpful to write down your worry so it doesn’t occupy the precious mental space. There is no need to ruminate about everything every second. You’re not ignoring it. You can always go back to it when the time is right.
Even though self-reflection is a great tool, it’s crucial to mention that our brains are created to cooperate with other brains. Our thinking can be wrong. We can be wrong. We need to interact with others to perform a reality check. Interaction can be made through books or meetings in person.
Socialize
Whatever I’d do at the beginning of my transformation, I always assumed I didn’t need people for that. I thought I could handle everything on my own.
This is possible, but it’s usually not the optimal route. Sure, spending time alone is something we have to be prepared for. We should accept ourselves enough to not have problems with that.
Do you think of yourself as a lone wolf? Is it your choice?
Being exposed to the thoughts of others can be a gift. There are times when I don’t understand some concept, or I assume it’s noticeable, so I stop looking. Someone then talks to me and points out that this could mean something, and I immediately know it’s true. It was right in front of me, but I couldn’t notice.
Our brains evolved with people around us. For a long time, I was in denial of this fact. I tried to do everything on my own. Never asking for help, trying to hide my feelings, to hide behind a wall of indifference. I wasn’t totally unsuccessful with that approach. I could argue that I’ve avoided some devastating situations in my life. I’ve also missed some amazing ones.
The question is, is it worth avoiding pain, rejection, and fear, sacrificing our potential of being better, true to ourselves, and open for others?
We can’t have both. You want success. Get ready for failure. Endure it and enjoy the ride. What else can you do?
Know your fear, get rejected, swim in your pain.
It’s worth it. Every time you got rejected, you tried, try again. You can improve your process or find a person who just gets you or a job where your values are shared. It’s going to hurt, you’re going to be devastated, your heart will be broken. Why would you want to avoid that? We need all that to learn. By making mistakes, we tell our brains that something needs adjusting.
Next time you think of yourself as a lone wolf, consider if you want that. Do you want to be alone? Do you have to be alone? Maybe it’s time to take responsibility and accept how our brains work? Maybe not yet. I hope you do what’s best for you.
Try to give others your attention and love whenever you want, don’t wait for the right moment. We don’t know how long we’re going to live. Why waste time for predictions if we can verify things now? Our fear of failure is often more disturbing than the failure itself. You fail once per try, but you can fail a thousand times in your mind.
Be courageous.
This doesn’t mean a lack of fear. It implies action in the presence of fear. Would it be courage if you knew you were going to succeed?
Sometimes courage is just admitting you need help and then asking for it.
Move your ass
Recently my friend asked me how I treat my body in the spiritual process. Loved the question.
We experience the world with our bodies. Does it define our whole experience? I don’t know. I know this is how I start things, with my body and brain.
To experience something with my whole self, I need to practice. I need to start. I don’t know if everyone has the same process, but our bodies are essential for experiencing things. Even if those things are outside of our understanding.
This is why caring about our earthly vehicles is so important. There is always a chance of accomplishing the goal, even when we’re in a bad state. Still, it’s harder, and most of us can work on that state directly by treating ourselves better.
Why not be in the best possible state?
Not talking about being on a diet all the time or working out for hours. I’d go with a more pro-human approach. Just consider your biology to know how and why your body works like this.
You have a lot to say in terms of your physical well-being. Eating habits, moving habits, sitting habits, sleep schedule, work breaks are all in your grasp. You can adjust them to feel better almost instantly.
The process of adjustments and improvements is the one that lets me feel what does it mean to be content. Not because of how much I’ve accomplished, but because I appreciate being on the journey. Literally, it forced me to focus on the process instead of the outcome.
Take care of your meat suit, love it, take it for long walks. Breathe mindfully. Meditate from time to time or every day. Rest and enjoy every second of that rest.
Remember, for now, this is the only one you’re going to have. Reclamation is not possible yet. If you can read this, you have your own, it may be dysfunctional, but it’s still yours. Complaining won’t make it better, but there is a small chance that your actions can.
Takeaway
Caring about ourselves is a skill many of us don’t have. The reasons for that are multiple, but all boil down to one, we believe we don’t deserve to be cared about.
Developing compassion towards ourselves helps dramatically in dealing with everyday tasks. We’re prone to make mistakes, and understanding shifts our focus from complaining about the problem to looking for a solution. Forgive yourself and use that state of acceptance after forgiveness to improve the world through you.
Taking care of yourself can be viewed as a selfish act, but I don’t think it’s true. Working on ourselves will affect our surroundings, people included. We can change the world only by changing ourselves, so I’m starting with that. How we think and don’t think is the only thing we control. Let’s improve the process.
I didn’t want to write much about what to do in particular. I believe this is a unique process for everyone. Self-reflection is a useful tool on the right level of abstraction. You can try journaling, writing articles, anything. It’s going to improve your thinking, and you’re going to find all the answers you need, not the ones you want.
Two guidelines that greatly influenced who I am today are socializing and using my body.
People are the main building block of the world. Most of what we do and do not do is related to somebody. We rely on others in every aspect of our life. It’s crucial to open ourselves for them and let our brains connect the way they are meant to. We do better when our thoughts are verified by others. In addition to restoring the connection to self, we get a way of staying true to our values and yet getting opportunities to update them.
Being mindful of my body was a gateway to clearer thinking. The discipline I learned through meditating and exercising let me focus on the present, on the things that matter to me. Through the body, we introduce our thoughts into the world. I want it to be in the best possible shape, don’t you?
Take good care of yourself. Thank you so much for reading.
